Confessions of a Hungry but Lazy-to-Chew Nigerian Lady

Dearest gentle reader,

The Christmas season has come and gone, now we are back to the regular, I'm so glad that toothache and laziness to chew didn't come in the way of enjoying all the food, meat and chicken during the festivities. To be honest, I have a weird relationship with food. I love food but I hate chewing. Large food portions scare me. So I have to eat little portions. and because it's little portions, I have to eat at least every 3 to 4 hours, that's equally tiring.

Hence, I have some questions,ones that may sound weird though. After going through a series of meal burnouts, chew-stration, and, in fact, food fatigue, my question is this:

Do we really have to eat everyday???

Don't tell me "It’s a matter of choice nau, nobody is forcing you to eat." we all know that unless you’re intentionally fasting, you actually need to eat,because if you don’t, your body will start acting up, you start feeling dizzy, tired, vexed. My mood can go from 100 to 40 real quick when I'm hungry.

But think about it. This whole “three square meals a day” is like a scam from the POV of adulting. These days, some of us are down to two meals, or even one. But do you know there are people who even see eating once as a chore?

I woke up this morning, and before I could even say “Thank You, Jesus,” my stomach had already started singing praise and worship. For what? I just ate last night nau! A few hours ago, o! Where did that Food all go to, so soon? Food should last at least 48hrs or more IMO.🤷🏽‍♀️

Let’s be honest, eating is a full-time job( for me though). You have to plan the food, cook the food, serve the food, eat the food, and clean up after the food. And God help you, these days, you’ll go to the market with ₦10,000 and come back with a few food items that can’t even fill a nylon bag. Life is hard.

If you are on the go, just like me..its way worst. Sometimes, I Forget to eat, no appetite, no time to stop and eat, financial restraints of eating out..a lot. A whole lot.

Not to mention eating out. LOL. I laugh in Vietnamese. Have you ever eaten a plate of food and ended up purging like you're trying to reset your digestive system? Okay. Let's move on.

I’m tired. I’m just tired of eating all the time to fuel my body. Which led me to pondering a possible way out…

Scenario 1: What if eating was only once a week?

Chill, just Hear me out.

Imagine, Just one big Sunday Jollof or swallow, and it sustains you till the next Sunday. No hunger, no cravings, no sudden weight gain or loss. Just peace. You go about your day-to-day activities without your stomach rumbling and asking “wetin we go chop?” every three hours.

Your account balance will smile, your stomach and mouth will rest, and kitchen chores? Reduced by 89.7%.

This is the kind of innovation we need by 2030. Elon Musk I hope you are taking notes.. 

Scenario 2, Or better still, our bodies should have come with a stomach zip?

Yes! Since we have to eat often to nourish our body, it should as well be easy especially for the lazy eaters, Just unzip, pour in the food (blended or otherwise), zip it back, and boom, nourishment. No chewing, no cutlery, no “let me just taste small again,” no dishes to wash. No stress!

Efficient, clean, and perfect for lazy eaters like me who don’t like to chew and see food as another chore. Imagine zipping in ofe uha and Akpu directly, no mess, no wahala.

Scenario 3, Or… just hold on.. one giant meal bar that lasts a week?

Yes o!

A weekly meal bar, just one thick, chewy, tasty chunk of miracle that you eat on and it holds your belly . One bar packed with all the nutrients, vitamins, calories, pepper, vibes, and correct weight gain, perhaps weight loss properties.

I’m talking about a proper Naija-engineered bar. One bite and boom, you’re nourished, energized, and your body is doing the right thing. Your waist is giving, your skin is glowing, and your stomach is silent (not to mention flat). Just think about it.

I meal prep mentally and still end up eating tofu by 6pm with guilt in my chest. Rice done tire me

In conclusion, this whole eating business is overrated. From the look of things, I think the Naija engineered meal for me would be my go to option. I am officially petitioning heaven to reconsider the human digestive system. Let us eat through the spirit, or through USB cable. Technology is advancing, so why are we still chewing?

If you’re a lazy eater and you agree with me, kindly sign the petition in the comment section below. Together, we can make feeding our bodies fast and easy✊🏾

Until then, I’m off to reluctantly boil rice. Again.

Yours  sincerely, in perpetual food fatigue,

A Hungry but Lazy-to-Chew Nigerian Lady